Living in Fear

“You mentioned fear last night you know”, he mumbled as he got out of the bed. “And you mentioned her again this morning too, wh…”

I tune him out as I get prepared for the thing I call work. How I ended up in bed with him last night, I can’t even begin to imagine. It frightens me to think of what else I could have said, after three drinks and a shot of E&J I might have told him a lot more than I needed.

“Are you even listening?” I look up to see him staring questionably. I make my best effort to look as though I’m interested in the conversation. I don’t even know his name, sad to say this isn’t the first time this has happened and each time I wake up confused, lost, and wanting to leave as soon as possible.

“You said something about a person named Karen, but then you said she was you..” “You told me your name was Kaitlin when you introduced yourself and that’s what it says on your name tag.” Shit. What have I gotten myself into now, and why this guy is giving me a list of things I said to him last night is beyond me. “I was drunk last night, I was drunk you were there you should know drunk people say things they don’t mean” I say almost trying to convince myself, I mean I think I was I had to be if I came home with him, my brain is on fire and I can’t begin to think straight.

He isn’t buying it I can tell, he opens his mouth but I really don’t want to hear what he has to say, “you know maybe you should just leave it’s too early for this.” He looks a bit hurt but I can’t find it in me to apologize.

“You know you do this every time Kaitlin, every time and each time you wake up acting like a new person and I try to go along with it but I can’t, I can’t do this anymore it’s taking a toll on me. I know I said I would be here and all that other crap I said at the alter, but you tell me how I can be in a relationship where my partner only loves and remembers me a few days or hours out of the week. I really want to help you but I don’t know how. I told you to see a profe…”

I tune him out again, what does he mean every time, relationship, love… I go into panic mode instantly. This man has to be some type of psycho, I’m looking around to see any quick exits I can make and I choose the fire escape. Before I can make any movement he’s in front of me.

“Look I know what you’re thinking and I know you’re thinking about running. I’m not crazy and I didn’t just make this up.” He picks up the photo on the dresser and shows me. It’s of us on our wedding day, he shows me another with a little girl in it, she kind of looks like me. “Is that me as a child?” I ask.
He looks kind of angry now but still manages to speak, “No, that’s our daughter, and this our son…”

“Kaitlin, Kaitlin!” The sound of someone calling my name awakes me. I’ve been having the same reoccurring dream for over a week now. It’s the day I came to terms that I might be someone else or at least was telling myself that. I suffered from personality disorder for years well that’s what the doctors say, but it still haunts me to this day. I’ve been living in fear my whole life and sometimes I still think that one day I’ll wake up and it’ll happen all over again. Dr. Morris tells me it’s because of my childhood as in most cases, it took me a long time to accept what happened that day, I was only 4 years old…

I literally woke up rolled over in bed and started writing this. I’ve been reading this book called “Silencing The Voices” which I haven’t picked up in some weeks haven’t found the time but would love to finish. It’s about a women who has 3 different personalities all stemming from something that happened in her childhood. It’s really interesting and I’m glad I changed my major because personality disorder is something that really intrigues me it’s kind of amazing to learn about the different defense mechanisms people develop to deal with their past and things that have happened to them.

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