I Lost Myself in You

 

I lost myself in…

The way your eyes sparkled when you laughed.

In the way your voice resonated through my phone when you were miles away.

In the way I could never stay mad.

I lost myself in you.

In your being.

In your energy.

In your radiation.

Was I wrong to give you my all?

I adored you, reassured you.

Gave you everything I couldn’t give myself.

Time, patience…

Tearing pieces of myself off to share with you.

Now you’re emotionally whole while I’m emotionally unstable,unable to grasp the railings of my mind because in hindsight my sight is clouded of what could be.

Of what could be….

Fell in love with someone that I thought was you.

But in reality the actuality of that someone being “new” was true.

Now I look at this guy standing in front of me and every hand motion he makes is a gun to me.

Every syllable he speaks and types and writes hits the ground and turns into glass all around me. Now I’m left to feel the pain of the baggage with no extra hands or support to help carry it.

What an embarrassment.

Now my feet are subjected to pain and not even the rain can wash away the blood that stains the walkway.

A piece of me now stays behind and lives in the past.

And every time I hear your name I’m reminded.

And every time I see the stain I feel the same pain as if it just occurred and the memories are restored and more vivid than before.

Time passing and I’m still removing shards of a broken bond.

Half convincing myself that we could still be covalent.

Like an atom in a metal releasing its electron I released my energy to flow freely through YOU with no expectations to receive anything in return.

But I’m the one that ends up burned out and turned out making decisions I would never make.

And they say a relationship shouldn’t be about give and take.

Yet I lost myself in the midst of the good the bad and the ugly even when I didn’t have to question the question of you still loving me

Unaware that while I was busy giving I forgot to give myself.

So when it was all said and done I was left hollow looking for pieces in someone else.

Because once a giver gives what do they have left to take for themselves.

I was convinced that we would never end because the end was never clear to me.

But see now it’s clear to me that because of you I found the clarity.

And this is not to bash or clash heads and bump fist because I know the truth already hurts.

All in all to say while you were putting me last I was putting you first.

But I’ve grown now and I’m singing a different song now.

Me, Myself and I is all I got and we ready for war now.

My mouth geared up and ready to verbally catch cases.

And no I could never erase you, replace you or retrace my steps to figure out where it all went wrong.

And over the course of this merry go round I’ve learned…

That you should never depend on anyone for your happiness.

And On my libra scale from now on I’m weighing words and actions.

New glasses on so new vision. And to all the guys who ever played me or betrayed me you made this girl into a woman on a mission.

New me who this new phone who this and none of you are important enough for this to be a diss but just know I’m unstoppable like Kim and if you’re reading this it’s never too late to fix your mistakes and take claim over your life.

Nothing was the same and I’m the furthest thing from perfect but I’m perfecting myself a little more each day and from time to time I still want to own it, and connect and make you my wu-tang forever love. But even forever ain’t forever love. We can still start from the bottom and end up nowhere.

Did I change? I say hell yeah, hell yeah fucking right and at night when you think of me I hope it hits you like an epiphany. But Lord knows that the fireworks were unforgettable baby but I had to shut it down go to 100-0 real quick. Because it only takes but so much to become tired of the bullshit.

It was me who was unhappy and yeah I’ll take that and at the same time I’ll take back and reclaim myself and the woman I’ve became. Pain and anger does something to the soul that the body can never interpret and we’re all a little tainted.

But no one ever said that when your image becomes unclear that you can’t repaint it.

People come into your life and leave imprints in your mind and sometimes they help you lose and sometimes they help you find. And although I’ve lost a lover I found the love within myself and as selfless as I am we all deserve time to be selfish.

New mindset, new everything and a lose ain’t always a loss right, because in the midst of losing you I found the biggest star in myself and she shines bright.

Thanks for reading, Be Blessed & Stay Humble.

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