Life is always a mystery, for we never really know what’s going to happen. We can speculate, imagine, and expect for things to happen but we are just living and experiencing things as they unfold. I’ve learned that life is full of taking risks and doing things that’s beneficial for the well-being of yourself and your loved ones. I’ve also learned that life is what you make it. Most importantly, I’ve learned that life is full of road blocks, bumpy roads, and skid marks but it’s up to us to pave a way to get through those setbacks.
I’ve learned that when you’ve exhausted all of your options and routes to take in certain situations, it’s not giving up. It’s recognizing that whatever you were working towards is just not meant to happen, whether it be at this moment or never at all. But it’s also recognizing that a minor setback and disappointment makes way for a major comeback. You can try your hardest to make something work and give it your all but when you see that nothing is working you have to accept that as a sign. God never just says no you can’t do this, he says no you can’t do this because I have something else better for you. A saying that has resonated so well with me these past few months has been “Sometimes we ask God for signs and he gives them to us in subtle ways. We can either choose to ignore them or accept them as they come.” When we ask for signs we usually get them, some clear and some not so clear. It is always up to us as to whether we choose to dig deeper or stay at surface level.
Timing is never on our side, for I truly believe that time is an illusion but also on a religious level God’s timing is the ultimate dictator. You can pray 24/7, 365 days of the year for something specifically but if God feels as though that timing isn’t right, it won’t happen when you want it to. They say to never question God but I know from experience that sometimes that becomes impossible. As humans we always want answers, we want to know who, what, when, where, how, and why. We have to understand that not everything deserves or requires an answer and sometimes the answer we were looking for was there all along. We also have to understand that maybe the things that we want so bad are only “wants” and not “needs” therefore we lack the power or resources to get it because that thing that we need is behind the door that God is trying to tell us to open. Sometimes we can be so blinded by what we want and what we feel we deserve that when the sign is pointing in another direction we choose to ignore it.
If you know me personally, or just by reading some of my previous post then you know how hard I was stressing over my study abroad situation. I did everything I possibly could to help with my finances. I set up a fundraiser, tried to take out a private loan, and searched/filled out several scholarship applications. I convinced myself that because I worked so hard and prepared for this journey that I deserved it no matter what and was going regardless of my circumstances. I saw people around me having success with their preparation and further convinced myself that something would eventually fall through because I deserved this and I wanted this too badly. I prayed over and over and asked God for several signs. The moment of realization was when I realized he was giving them to me all along.
#1 I was fundraising since February and only raised $745 ($500 came from one person alone) given the fact that I have a large following on social media and many people viewed the page.
#2 My financial situation was already looking bad because I didn’t receive any grants and couldn’t increase my loans without a co-signer.
#3 Out of the scholarships I applied to, 2 I didn’t receive and the rest I heard nothing from, and what was supposed to be my departure date is a week away. I can’t keep playing the waiting game.
#4 I received an offer for a job position I had an interview for almost two months ago and as much as I prayed for that job around that time frame God decided now was the time.
I can go on and on about the signs that were there and that I continue to receive as the days go by. As much as studying abroad would change my life I feel like it’s just not meant to be a journey for me to embark on at this moment. God blessed me by giving me the opportunity and allowing others to bless me by donating to my fundraiser. My hard work wasn’t all for nothing because it was meant for me to go through. This is not my first time being in this situation for I was in the same boat when I got accepted to study abroad in New Zealand except for I came much further this time. But hey, maybe with this job I can save up and travel around the world or maybe another opportunity will come by me. I will never know what the future holds but I know regardless my faith will never fall weary. As much as it sucks to have to let this go, too many negatives outweighed the positive, embarking on this trip would have left me in a deeper hole than I can ever dig.
To those who have supported me financially, emotionally, or mentally, I thank you. My struggle is nowhere near over but some weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I have a lot of positives to fall back on so not being able to go isn’t the end of the world. With my departure being so close, financially, this situation isn’t looking too good for me. On the bright side I look forward to working in a setting that’s great for my major/career interest and getting ready to graduate with my Bachelors degree in the Spring! All that matters is that I can continue my education. I believe that what’s meant to be will be so by Monday night I will know for sure but I’ve accepted that it can go one of two ways and I’m prepared for both!
Thanks for reading, Be Blessed & Stay Humble!