Confessions Of A Mother

It’s 1:40am and I’m holding my son who has been crying on and off for about the past 2-3 hours, I don’t even know I’ve lost count tbh. He’s super cranky and won’t let me get much done; I’m typing this on the iPad with one hand, rocking him in the other. I figured I’d write this post while I still have an ounce of energy otherwise if I put it off it won’t get done. I’ve been doing this parenting thing for a month now and it’s been quite the experience.

I always wondered when I’d truly feel like a mother, you know that moment when it hits you that you actually birthed a human being because maybe pregnancy or labor and delivery wasn’t enough to convince you that this was really happening. It didn’t hit me until I had to travel with him alone. You may be asking why, and it’s because as soon as we got outside he cried, in order to get an accurate visual lets note that he was in a carrier and I was also carrying a baby bag that’s quite big in size. Let’s also note that I’m pretty small. We were making our way to the uber and because it was uber express we didn’t get the luxury of door to door service. So he chose to cry, coupled with it being hot and me toting a baby and bag while both trying to comfort him and shuffle my way to the car, not to mention I was trying to bottle feed him and hold my phone at the same time while trying to find it. As all of this is happening the uber lady decides to call me because apparently I’m taking too long and I’m not at the meet up spot. I answer with a crying baby in the background while simultaneously out of breath and sweating trying to hurry and in that moment of pure frustration it hit me. That was the defining moment for me.

It wasn’t after labor and delivery or holding him for the first time because it all happens so fast. After you give birth you’re automatically thrown into Mommy role and for me it was constantly putting baby on the boob and signing this, talking to this person, test getting ran on baby, the shock of just giving birth, people visiting, nurses in and out the room around the clock, and lack of sleep that I wasn’t able to take a moment to reflect. And when you do bring baby home that’s when more visitors come and then it’s a never ending cycle of tending to baby and trying to get rest when you can. After my initial realization I’ve had many other moments where it hits me, it not that I forget, but just those moments that enhance what’s already known. Like when he stares at me or follows me with his eyes or smiles, or when he does something new. Sometimes I just stare at him in awe and say to myself “Wow, I really had a baby“.There is so much joy in being a mother, to know that I get to be apart of so many “firsts” for him, to watch him develop and grow day by day. But sometimes those frustrating moments remind me more and give me strength because I realize that it’s me who always has to be there for him. I do 95% of the work by myself and I wouldn’t trade it for the world because I love my son with everything in me but it gets frustrating. Me and his father don’t live together and on different sides of the city so that makes things a bit more of a challenge for me when he can’t show up to assist. People tell you day in and day out becoming a parent isn’t easy, you have to be willing to make sacrifices, you have to be willing to put yourself on the back burner, all in all you have to be “willing”. Its a Full Time job in itself and when I have help it makes a huge difference and takes a little weight off my shoulders but being his mother, I can’t pick and choose when to be present, there are no days off for me. And on nights/mornings like tonight when he’s screaming his head off for hours, no matter how frustrating it may be, I’m the one who has to be there. In a perfect world and ideal situation I’d have help during the night, as a matter of fact I’d have help 24/7, but when I get help it’s all during the day so I take what I can get when I can get it. You learn to make sacrifices and you learn to be okay with those sacrifices. You learn to accept the way your cards were dealt and prepare yourself for the next shuffle.

Some days me and my son don’t get out of bed until 1 in the afternoon and I’ve learned to be okay with that. I’m up at wee hours in the morning tending to a newborn, some nights I don’t fall asleep until 4 or 5 in the morning just to be back up every 2-3 hours, and some days I don’t eat until it’s dark out. Like right now, it’s 3:05am because I had to stop and feed him, and calm him again because he was crying. I ate one meal today, and as hungry as I am, it’s just not happening until I wake up later. And it’s okay to take a quick breather, it can get really frustrating when you’re alone and your baby is screaming bloody murder and nothing you do is calming them. If no one is around to help, it’s actually suggested that you stop and take a breather before you implode. At times like this I remind myself that it’s okay if I want to cry right along with him, and that he can’t help it, he’s a baby who depends on me to comfort him and give him what he needs. If I need a moment, I take it, or else I’ll be no help to him or myself. It’s a constant learning and readjustment process and I don’t think it gets any easier but this is what I was made for. I’ve always admired mothers but this transition into motherhood has made me admire mothers more. It doesn’t matter if you’re doing it on your own or have some sort of help, parenting is hard. But it makes you grow up and put your responsibilities and priorities in order, it molds you into a better person. My only goals right now are to make sure my son is fed, happy, safe, and most importantly loved; everything else falls in line afterwards. I’ve become content with knowing that how I want things to go may not be how they will go and that has been my biggest take away through pregnancy to postpartum. On the journey through parenthood, but motherhood especially, a lot of things will be frustrating and it doesn’t get easier but you learn from those frustrating experiences and that’s what makes it feel a little easier the next time go round. I’ve had to accept that I’m no longer on my own time, but my baby’s time. Until I can put him on a schedule he makes the rules! I’ve had to accept my breastfeeding journey and come to terms that it’ll take time for me to get where I want to be with it. I had to accept my postpartum body and I’ve accepted the fact that it’s okay to be okay with change and different outcomes than the ones I had prearranged in my head. This is motherhood, a constant readjustment and learning process.

Want to read about my labor and delivery experience? Click here to read “Birthing Makai”.

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What’s New? 
Aside from the latest blog post that are waiting to be read, I have published my third book! If you’ve kept up with the blog then you’ve probably read the snippets. They are no longer available but the feedback has been nothing but good. The Key To My Brother’s Heart – Kennedy’s Reign is now available in electronic and paperback editions. It’s available electronically on Barnes & Noble and Amazon Kindle as well as paperback on Amazon. All 3 of my books and $elf products and apparel are available on my website For easier access, simply click “Books” on the blog’s homepage.

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Thanks for reading, Be Blessed & Stay Humble. As always Choose You Always!

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Published by breyanaa

If given the chance, everyone has a story to tell. My name is Breyana I'jae, I am a 25 year old Temple University Psychology graduate, blogger, visionary, artist, creator, self published author, mama, jack of all trades, and lover of many things. 
When I first started this blog in 2013 my goal was to share My Story in hopes of inspiring someone else, I didn't know where it would go, how people would perceive it or what to really do, I just know I lived by the motto, Uplift, Empower, & Inspire.

While those goals still remain my blog will now be a place to promote self-love and self-care but that's not all. Come take a look to see what it offers.

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