Letting go is one of the hardest things to do, and years later you can still find yourself holding on to fragments of that relationship. In a past relationship I had to let go, I didn’t want to hold on and then find myself questioning what I was holding on to. We had history but that’s exactly what the relationship was beginning to feel like, “history”. There were many thoughts running through my head; I love him. I don’t want to leave. Maybe we can work things out if I stay a little longer. He’ll change, I just know he will. I’m never going to find someone like him. He cares he just doesn’t know how to show it. I’m never going to love like this again. We can get back to where we were, right? I laid everything out on the table, had my hands up ready to fight but I was in the ring by myself.
There are those breakups that happen suddenly filled with cheating, lies, and deceit. Then there are those breakups where you put everything on the table, you lay your soul out and the other person just walks by without even noticing. But he says he loves me I don’t understand? Yet I’ve been complaining for months now. I understand you’re busy but so am I, can’t you at least text me every now and then? Our conversation lacks substance, I hardly even talk to you. You’ve been distant and emotionally unavailable. I just want to help. No response again? Okay, I understand, just hit me up when you’re not busy. I kept swinging.
I didn’t want to wake up one day and resent the person I loved. I didn’t wish to stay in a relationship where I was constantly holding on to “what ifs” and potential. But the fear, the fear of him moving on and dating other people, the fear of me building him up and teaching him things just for him to go show his new tricks to a new chick? Hell no. Let’s try this again… This is my last time bringing this up and then I’m done, I’m tired of the way we communicate. How many times do I have to bring it up in order for it to be fixed? Maybe we should take a break and be friends. It only takes minor changes to change what I’m complaining about! I care but I feel unappreciated. Your actions don’t match your words. I don’t know if you’re scared to express how you feel or maybe you just feel you don’t have time. I get it, I’m not on your list of importance right now. Wow, is that all you have to say? I didn’t mean it before when I said I would have to let you go, but this time is different. I realized all the memories of us being happy were from months ago. When was the last time he called me beautiful? When is the last time I felt loved and appreciated by him? When is the last time this felt like an actual relationship? Where has the spark gone? So I tell him how I’m feeling, and that I feel things aren’t changing, it’s either they change or I go.
I laid my hurt out on the table, repeated what was bothering me. And even after the initial breakup, I did a U-turn. Can we talk? You know about what… Sorry I missed your call, are you going to answer the phone? Forget it, I don’t want to talk anymore if that’s how you’re going to act. He moved on shortly after so I had no more chances to turn around but given the opportunity I would have; it took me years to get over that relationship but at least I was done breathing life into a situation I felt was dead. But then I did the same thing, met someone new, fell in love, went through the dialogue again and again, they hurt me several times, and for some reason I kept swinging as if I never learned my lesson in the past until I was done being hurt. It was then that I used my past and current experiences to nurture myself and learn/love me consistently and correctly. Now, my tolerance for things I once experienced is nonexistent. If it makes me feel anything less than happy, I don’t want it.
We hold on to situations and think we’re holding on out of love, but that’s not the case at all. We hold on out of fear AND love. But when that love has shifted, changed, or even stopped growing it’s the fear that keeps us. Fear of change, fear of having to find someone new, fear of starting over, the fear of letting go. Unfortunately, sometimes you have to love people from a distance. Just because it ends doesn’t mean it wasn’t real. It becomes unfair when you tell people that your happiness depends on them. We all deserve happiness but it begins with us. If it’s meant to be, it will eventually be. A question that burned in my head was how could I take back 3 shots and know that I was done I needed no more liquor, but I didn’t know my limits in love. I didn’t know when to stop drinking, I had this insatiable thirst for a love that was not interested in filling me back up. I had this constant urge to fight when I was the only one swinging. Why do we do this? I have encountered numerous women who have been in my shoes and I in theirs. Constantly giving so much of ourselves without anything in return. So many of us falling in love with potential and memories of the person we once knew being naive to the fact that we can’t change a person, only they have the power to do so. The quickest way to lose yourself, is to fight for a love who is no longer interested in fighting for you. You know why we do it? A lot of women aren’t comfortable being alone, and until you become content with being alone first, you will forever find yourself in the ring exhausted, lost, and confused because you just spent so much time fighting your gut and intuition when it told you this relationship was over a long time ago.
I’ve been there, losing myself that is, and I was shocked when I looked into the mirror and didn’t recognize the girl looking back. Love will change you, a good love will change you for the better, but an unhealthy situation will only lead you downhill. Sometimes it takes a toxic situation to show us how badly we were loving ourselves in the midst of loving someone else, and it makes us change our whole perspective and the way we maneuver. Different experiences reshape your love language towards yourself and others. Don’t stop forgetting that you come first, just because you get in a relationship doesn’t mean you stop loving and working on you. Don’t ever let anyone make you believe that you need them to maintain your happiness and if you find yourself depending on others for happiness ask yourself questions. Why am I unhappy? What changes can I make? What can I do to make me happy? I know we like to please our partners but don’t forget that you deserve the same happiness and love that you pour into other people. Don’t lose yourself in love. You are love, you can’t lose you, never forget that.
Interested in reading more like this? Shop my books “Heartbreaks & Heartaches” and “Finding YOUrself: The Road to Self-Love & Discovery“. Below you can find a poem that’s featured in H & H.
- Falling in Love With Potential
- Why Do You Attract The Damaged Ones?
- The Ex Baggage
- Let’s Discuss: The Honeymoon Phase
I Lost Myself In You
I lost myself in…
The way your eyes sparkled when you laughed.
In the way your voice resonated through my phone when you were miles away.
In the way I could never stay mad.
I lost myself in you.
In your being.
In your energy.
In your radiation.
Was I wrong to give you my all?
I adored you, reassured you.
Gave you everything I couldn’t give myself.
Tearing pieces of myself off to share with you.
Now you’re emotionally whole while I’m emotionally unstable, unable to grasp the railings of my mind because in hindsight my sight is clouded of what could be.
Of what could be…
Fell in love with someone that I thought was you.
But in reality the actuality of that someone being “new” was true.
Now I look at this guy standing in front of me and every hand motion he makes is a gun to me.
Every syllable he speaks and types and writes hits the ground and turns into glass all around me.
Now I’m left to feel the pain of the baggage with no extra hands or support to help carry it.
What an embarrassment.
Now my feet are subjected to pain and not even the rain can wash away the blood that stains the walkway.
A piece of me now stays behind and lives in the past.
And every time I hear your name I’m reminded.
And every time I see the stain I feel the same pain as if it just occurred and the memories are restored and more vivid than before.
Time passing and I’m still removing shards of a broken bond.
Half convincing myself that we could still be covalent.
Like an atom in a metal releasing its electron I released my energy to flow freely through YOU with no expectations to receive anything in return.
But I’m the one that ends up burned out and turned out making decisions I would never make.
And they say a relationship shouldn’t be about give and take.
Yet I lost myself in the midst of the good, the bad, and the ugly even when I didn’t have to question the question of you still loving me.
Unaware that while I was busy giving I forgot to give myself.
So when it was all said and done I was left hollow looking for pieces in someone else.
Because once a giver gives what do they have left to take for themselves.
I was convinced that we would never end because the end was never clear to me.
But see now it’s clear to me that because of you I found the clarity.
And this is not to bash or clash heads or bump fist because I know the truth already hurts.
All in all to say while you were putting me last I was putting you first.
But I’ve grown now and I’m singing a different song now.
Me, Myself, and I is all I got and we ready for war now.
My mouth geared up and ready to verbally catch cases.
And no I could never erase you, replace you or retrace my steps to figure out where it all went wrong.
And over the course of this merry go round I’ve learned…
That you should never depend on anyone for your happiness.
And on my libra scale from now on I’m weighing words and actions.
New glasses on so new vision. And to all the guys who ever played me or betrayed me you made this girl into a woman on a mission.
New me who this, new phone who this, and none of you are important enough for this to be a diss but just know I’m unstoppable like Kim and if you’re reading this it’s never too late to fix your mistakes and take claim over your life.
Nothing was the same and I’m the furthest thing from perfect but I’m perfecting myself a little more each day and from time to time I still want to own it, and connect and make you my wu-tang forever love. We can still start from the bottom and end up nowhere.
Did I change? I say hell yeah, hell yeah fucking right and at night when you think of me I hope it hits you like an epiphany. But lord knows that the fireworks were unforgettable baby but I had to shut it down go 100-0 real quick. Because it only takes but so much to become tired of the bullshit.
It was me who was unhappy and yeah I’ll take that and the same time I’ll take back and reclaim myself and the woman I’ve became. Pain and anger does something to the soul that the body can never interpret and we’re all a little tainted. But no one ever said that when your image becomes unclear that you can’t repaint it.
People come into your life and leave imprints in your mind and sometimes they help you lose and sometimes they help you find. And although I’ve lost a lover I found the love within myself and as selfless as I am I am we all deserve time to be selfish.
New mindset, new everything and a lose ain’t always a loss right, because in the midst of losing you I found the biggest star and she shines bright.
Aside from the latest blog post that are waiting to be read, I have published my third book! If you’ve kept up with the blog then you’ve probably read the snippets. They are no longer available but the feedback has been nothing but good. The Key To My Brother’s Heart – Kennedy’s Reign is now available in electronic and paperback editions. It’s available electronically on Barnes & Noble and Amazon Kindle as well as paperback on Amazon. All 3 of my books and $elf products and apparel are available on my website findingyourself.bigcartel.com For easier access, simply click “Books” on the blog’s homepage.
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Thanks for reading, Be Blessed & Stay Humble. As always Choose You Always!
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