I’ve had about three serious relationships throughout my life. As they ended I used to joke that I only attracted men with parental issues until my last relationship ended and I realized it was beginning to be a serious problem. It got to the point where I found myself questioning why this was. Was I attracted to damaged men? What was it about me that attracted those types to me? I even resorted to google trying to find answers. “Why do I attract damaged guys?” “Why I attract men with abandonment issues?” “Why I attract men with mommy issues” “Why toxic men are attracted to me” and the list goes on. I couldn’t find too many answers until I realized I had to figure out some things about myself first and foremost.
When meeting someone new and starting the process to establishing a relationship it’s never said “hey, my relationship with my parents might effect our relationship” or “hey, my past has really fucked me up so expect to see that baggage appear” these are things that you eventually see as the relationship progresses and you begin to dissect the nature of their past and relationships with their family.
With my first serious relationship we were together for almost 2 and a half years and it was smooth sailing until about the last 8 months or so where I could start to see how his relationship with his parents was beginning to effect ours. That coupled with the stress of college really put a strain on our communication and he would tell me how stressed he was and how he felt about their relationships. His mother didn’t raise him and his father wasn’t around so it weighed on him heavy, she was around but she wasn’t the motherly figure that he needed and wanted. He held on to things that took place in the past and the fact that she wasn’t around in the manner that he would have liked. Of course I tried to be of support and be there for him but he pushed me away to spare me of taking on his stress but what he didn’t realize was pushing me away brought on its own stress. As much as it pained me to let go I was losing myself in the process of loving him so I had to do what was best for me and my happiness.
My second serious relationship came about over a year after I called it quits with my first and to be honest I still wasn’t over him but I moved on thinking that would help me get over him. Yet and still I agreed to make it official with the guy I was seeing, things were cool at first then I found out I was again dating someone with parental issues. By the time we met his mom lived in another state and while they communicated here and there she was dealing with her own problems so I never got the chance to meet her and their relationship was a tad bit rocky. He lived with his father but their relationship wasn’t what you would call all that great but they were working on it I suppose. Like my first relationship, this one had its times where his past and parental relationships had its effect on how things played out. A month or two before we would have made a year together I called it quits again. The relationship wasn’t what I wanted, I no longer wanted the responsibility of being that source of support and I wasn’t in love the way I should have been so I felt he deserved someone who could love him in the way he deserved to be loved.
“Damn, I wonder why I never learned my lesson. It’s feeling like the second chance and its the first impression
And I heard it’s nothing new except for someone new. But how you supposed to find the one when anyone will come with you
Talking to myself but I never listen. Cause man it’s been a while, and I swear that this ones different.
That’s why I’mma take you anywhere you wanna go. Let you meet my friends so they can lecture me again about
How reckless I have been. And I’m slowly running out of all the time that I invest in. Making all the same mistakes
And I swear I’m just trying to correct it. And I fall…” – Drake, Fall For Your Type.
I met my third serious partner right after and things progressed quickly, I fell in love fast and things were good. As time passed it became clear things were starting to become a pattern. His mother didn’t raise him, father wasn’t around.
I felt just like Steve Harvey in this gif but it wasn’t until the relationship hit rock bottom that I realized how much of an effect his parental relationships really played on what transpired throughout our relationship. Sometimes people only experience the mental backlash of unhealthy relationships i.e my first and second relationships. With this one commitment issues arose from it so I was introduced to lies, cheating, and again, hurt. Now, let’s not blame those parental relationships for everything because obviously various things play a role into why people make the decisions they do but it indeed played a role in all three of these relationships.
So here I was left confused as hell wondering why and how the hell I kept encountering the SAME type of men. I felt like Drake always falling for the same type. Then it hit me, I’m the fixer and helper type. I stayed in relationships attracting the same type of men, men who needed to be fixed. Men who had a past that effected their present. A lot of women are in the same position, attracting emotionally damaged and unavailable men, cheating men, those scared of commitment, etc. We attract the ones whose pieces are all over the place and for some reason we feel reliable to help put those pieces back together. And then it hit me, I never gave myself time to actually question why it was I felt compelled to pick up someone else’s broken pieces without first fixing my own. I kept running full force without a second thought for others, putting someone else’s worthiness before my own and each time I failed and ended up being the one hurt. So why did I attract these type of men? Because in my heart I felt that I could fix them, like they needed someone like me to make them realize they could be happy and overcome their past, and that’s why I always stuck around until I felt I couldn’t. People like me get in relationships and want to be that source of support not realizing how much it’s effecting us when there’s no balance between helping someone else and helping yourself. We put our happiness into this person and while we may think we are happy within ourselves when that relationship ends we feel broken inside, like we’ve lost our source of happiness.
That’s a selfless woman for you, a woman who will give every ounce of her last to fill you up but if you have someone who is not interested in filling you back up then you will always remain empty and broken. As women we have to get out of this mindset that we will be that woman, the one to change his life and get him on the right path. If we’re dating a cheater we feel like “I’ll be the one to make him loyal” if we’re dating someone with emotional baggage then it becomes “I’ll be the one to make him get over his past” failing to realize that you can’t change a person with years of problems. Only a person who is interested in changing themselves will change themselves. Then we blame or question ourselves when they fail to change “What could I have done differently?”, “What’s wrong with me?” and it’s simple, nothing. You can’t beat yourself up over something you had no control over, you haven’t failed anyone but if you continue on the same path trying to fix broken men, you will only fail yourself.
After journeying through my hurt and confusion I realized that for women like me, we attract these men because it’s only through encountering these types that we come to see the difference between selflessness and selfishness. And we all deserve time to be selfish, that’s what they make clear, it’s okay to be selfish. They make us open our eyes to the things that needs to be done within ourselves, and that it’s time to really practice self love and work on truly loving ourselves. We need to stop focusing on picking up other people’s pieces and put ourselves back together first, make sure that we are whole. We need a healthy balance and know that it’s okay to say “I love you, but I love me more and I am not obligated to put myself on the line to do a job that I shouldn’t be tasked with.” It is not our responsibility to fix someone’s past and we are not responsible for anyone’s happiness but our own. Yes, women are nurturing beings but it isn’t your girlfriends or wife’s job to do something that should have been done by your mother. Damaged men are usually attracted to women they hold to a high standard, the ones they see have a lot going on for themselves. The independent type, it’s something about a woman who carries herself a certain way that they want. Then we have the type who go for those with low self esteem, low self-worth etc. that they know they can keep manipulating and sometimes women are both. You can be a great women but there may be parts of you that need work that you may not realize until you constantly encounter the same type of people and you realize a change needs to take place within yourself.
Reclaim your time and emotional investment by pouring love and energy back into yourself. Become content with knowing that you can’t save the world and it’s not your job to fix anyone. Trust me, being in a relationship you want to be everything that person wants and needs but not to the extent that you’re hurting yourself in the process and subjecting yourself to a relationship that eventually becomes unhealthy. Don’t force yourself to stay in a space that doesn’t bring you happiness because you are trying to be that source of happiness. We all have to journey through life and just like you have to put yourself back together when you become broken, start tasking men with doing their own emotional work. You can be of support but develop a balance between the work you do for yourself vs the work you’re doing for someone else. Stop putting your emotional, physical, and mental health at risk for a relationship that may not help you in the way you’ve helped it. So how do you find that balance? I can’t exactly tell you because our journeys and destination won’t be the same but loving yourself enough to know what you will and won’t do and what you will and won’t accept is the first step. Sometimes you have to take a step back and allow people to pick up their own pieces, you can and should only be doing but so much, learn when it’s time to take that step back. It’s hard to find that balance when you’re so used to helping people and wanting to help but when it starts to hurt you while doing so, that’s your sign to stop. If you have to ask yourself what you’re getting in return after you’ve already poured so much of yourself into this person, that’s your sign to stop. I’m not saying you have to walk away but be wise enough to know when you need to shift your focus unto yourself. As parents there needs to be a better job of molding children into adults who don’t need to recover from their past.
Reasons Damaged Men May Be Drawn To You:
- Simply put, you’re their hope of change.
- You’re a fixer.
- You don’t have healthy boundaries. (Selfless vs Selfish)
- You’re too laid back and easy-going. (Don’t be afraid to put your foot down)
- You don’t value yourself as you should. (Know your worth)
- You stay in situations longer than you should. (Know when it’s time to draw the line and walk away)
Walk away from this post knowing that you can’t change people and as a woman it is not your job to fix broken men. Invest that energy into yourself beloved. Accept what you can not change.
Note that my first two self-published books are still available for purchase. You can find reviews and product information on my site (findingyourself.bigcartel.com) while you’re there you can also take a look at the accompanying products. Be sure to stay in the loop by following @chooseyoualways on Instagram.
Secondly, a third book is in the making and set to release soon, my first urban novel. If you haven’t already read the snippet, click below.
Last but not least, being as though I am expecting and I am a soon to be mama, I had to represent for the little ones. You can now shop for baby clothes with me @mumstyledme on Instagram!
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Thanks for reading, Be Blessed & Stay Humble. As always Choose You Always!