The Ex Baggage

adreena-script-fontHey guys welcome back to the blog! I recently posted about why women may be attracting damaged/broken men, but what if women are the ones who are broken in the relationship? Is it the same or is it different?

For me, I never realized how broken I was after a break up until I attempted to start dating or otherwise “having my fun” as I like to call it. Before we even jump in take note that people become broken or damaged for different reasons, some stem from parental issues as we’ve discussed and others had their hearts broken due to relationships. Sometimes we don’t realize how much impact a relationship had on us until it’s over. I’m not ashamed or too prideful to say I’ve lost myself in loving others.

How do you know if you’re broken? When you find that you turn to unhealthy ways of coping for ex: drinking, smoking, having sex with multiple people, etc. then you may be having trouble dealing with your feelings. For me, I became uninterested in relationships and developed a nonchalant attitude towards love and guys in general. I took a backseat in my own life and watched it unfold. I watched myself make both good and bad decisions, I was somewhere deep inside myself, scared, confused, I was hurt. I wasn’t myself and I felt it yet I was not making the decisions I would usually make. I had withdrawn myself, allowed myself not to feel, not to care, but to only experience. But I wasn’t experiencing anything that was beneficial to my emotional or mental health. I was being careless with my emotions, being careless with my body. I knew I was lost when I asked myself “What am I doing?” “Why am I doing this?” and the person who responded was not me. I was in a space where I was trying to find myself, I was trying to grow but at the same time I kept pushing myself back down. Vulnerability became my best friend; You think you have your guard up but really it’s ready to come down for anybody you think can give you what you’ve been missing. Do you know how easy it is to fall when you were never that high up to begin with?

I was my downfall, I had been fighting for everything and everyone besides myself and most importantly I had not given myself enough time to deal with my emotions from my past relationship. It took me a while to get over my ex and after dealing with a few people I got into a relationship a few months later. That wasn’t nearly enough time to heal but the new guy, he was cool, he fell for me quick and I sort of made the decision off the fact that we were already doing relationship things. I knew I didn’t want to be in a relationship, I voiced this to him for quite some time, told him I didn’t want to put a title on anything, I wasn’t ready. After a while I felt sort of forced, I met his siblings, I started getting introduced to his family, he told me he loved me, so we made it official. So how did that ex baggage effect my new relationship? I entered with one foot in and one foot out and the guy would always tell me that and I would laugh it off and say I wasn’t. Don’t get me wrong, I loved him as time passed but my love was of comfortability. I became familiar, I became comfortable but I wasn’t in it the way that I should have been. Because I didn’t allow myself to fully heal from my past I couldn’t dedicate myself the same way he dedicated himself to me. I can admit that I was wrong on a lot of levels but I went in with the mindset that my feelings would grow and I would eventually get over my ex but that’s not how it happened. I eventually got tired of trying to force feelings or better yet wait around for them to form so I called it quits. The relationship wasn’t perfect, he had his baggage just like I did, but he was a good guy and treated me well but he wasn’t for me.

So guys, sometimes it is us and sometimes it’s you. Shit, we’re all just trying to find ourselves and heal, and often times we hurt people in the process. It’s true “hurt people, hurt people“, I’m not perfect, I never was and never plan to be. We will always make mistakes but I’ve made amends with my past and I’ve grown enough to take responsibility for what I’ve done throughout my life, both good and bad. It’s possible to care for people but sometimes you can’t love them how they wish or deserve to be loved and when you realize that, get out of their way and let someone else come along and give them that love. Someone who is not over their past can never fully do right by you or dedicate themselves 100%. They will always be one foot in and one foot out trying to gain that closure and trying to allow themselves to move on. Or sometimes, part of them wants to move on while 9/10 the other half of their heart wants to make it work or try again with that person. Other times, it’s all of those things together. That’s the thing, getting over people isn’t easy and will leave you with a million different emotions, on a million different days.

If you feel that someone is not in the relationship the way that you are, 9/10 you’re right. Don’t ignore your gut feeling for a love you think you have or better yet for a love that you crave. We crave love so much that sometimes we force ourselves to think things are what they aren’t. We ignore signs, give benefit of the doubts, etc. People who are broken will often use you until you have nothing else to offer, and two broken people in a relationship are often a recipe for disaster in the long run. I was once a broken woman, I’ve talked to broken women, sadly it’s become a part of life. There’s a constant battle between people losing and finding themselves.

Signs That You’re Dating A Damaged/Emotionally Unavailable Woman:

  • She’s casual about relationships
  • She just got out of a relationship (you’re a rebound bro)
  • She’s available when it’s convenient for her
  • She craves attention all the time (she may even be slightly crazy, that’s not a good thing btw.)
  • They don’t want to commit (she may literally tell you a relationship isn’t what she wants or hint towards it)
  • You may feel like you’ve won the jackpot (You’re like “she’s the one” but is she really?)
  • Jealousy (just because she can’t love you 100% doesn’t mean someone else can, looking through your phone, checking your socials, etc)

This list doesn’t even complete the characteristics that broken people embody. People react off of their internal pain differently. Here’s the thing, just because people are damaged doesn’t mean you should automatically write them off. People love differently. Sometimes we encounter people at different phases of our journey and the person who hurt you may have met you at a time where they weren’t necessarily ready to move on from a certain phase in their life.

People who have been broken ultimately love the hardest when they meet someone capable of making them fall in love. You know why? Because once we’ve moved on from the ex baggage stage we have standards, we’ve learned to love ourselves and yes 10/9 we will still have trust issues, we will be guarded, we may be scared to commit or share too much of ourselves but that’s because most of us have stayed in situations, trying until we lost everything including our minds, dignity, and self. Women are not the only ones who fight for their relationships and overstay their welcome, men do too. And we may not love perfectly but our love is genuine because we don’t want anything from you, but you. We love differently because we know our worth, we know our strength, we seek substance, and appreciate the little things. Dating someone who has experienced life is never easy, but that’s the thing we’ve all been through some things. The bad part is you don’t always know who has your best interest at heart because there are those who are still journeying through their hurt (the hurt people who will hurt you) and those who have completed their journey and are ready to try again at this thing called love.

Be sure to check out the post before this: “Why Do You Attract The Damaged Ones?”

Note that my first two self-published books “Heartbreaks & Heartaches” and “Finding YOUrself – The Road to Self-Love & Discovery” are still available for purchase. You can find reviews and product information on my site ( while you’re there you can also take a look at the accompanying products. Be sure to stay in the loop by following @chooseyoualways on Instagram.

Secondly, a third book is in the making and set to release soon, my first urban novel. If you haven’t already read the snippets, click below.

Last but not least, being as though I am expecting and I am a soon to be mama, I had to represent for the little ones. You can now shop for baby clothes with me @mumstyledme on Instagram!

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Thanks for reading, Be Blessed & Stay Humble. As always Choose You Always!

Published by breyanaa

If given the chance, everyone has a story to tell. My name is Breyana I'jae, I am a 25 year old Temple University Psychology graduate, blogger, visionary, artist, creator, self published author, mama, jack of all trades, and lover of many things. 
When I first started this blog in 2013 my goal was to share My Story in hopes of inspiring someone else, I didn't know where it would go, how people would perceive it or what to really do, I just know I lived by the motto, Uplift, Empower, & Inspire.

While those goals still remain my blog will now be a place to promote self-love and self-care but that's not all. Come take a look to see what it offers.

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