spending time alone taught me ‘real’ love
Most of us have experienced heartbreak, if not consider yourself lucky. It sucks when you build a bond, get to know all of these things about a person and then boom, relationship over. You feel sadness, anger, grief, you go through all the stages of a breakup which often includes loneliness as if being by yourself is so horrible. We forget what it was like to be single, what it was like when we were focusing on ourselves.
It wasn’t until this year that I actually had the chance to sit down and spend time with myself after a break up. In the past I turned to different people as a ways to deal with my hurt but that only hurt me more in the end. My last relationship ended in September of 2017, there was a lot going on around that time. I had just moved back home the month before from living on my own, having trouble finding a job, and quite frankly things just weren’t looking up for me. Well, my boyfriend at the time apparently didn’t care too much because he broke up with me. The day after he cut ties I found out I was pregnant, and had so many other things going on. So in my mind I’m like wow, I gave this guy multiple chances, bypassed his mistakes and infidelities and he broke up with ME!? Not to mention I was already at ends wit, and now a baby? Double wow.
So of course I was upset, we weren’t on good terms for a while and then the loneliness set in. I had needs I wanted fulfilled and in my mind only he could fill them despite what he did. That led to one thing which led to the idea that maybe we really could work it out and rebuild. We collectively chose to work on building a good relationship with the possibility of us getting back together and being a family. We dealt with each other for about another year until this past August when I realized he just wasn’t going to change his ways. Throughout that year I felt my strength increase mentally and emotionally because although we were dealing with each other I still had lots of time to myself physically, and most importantly mentally; when I felt it was time to walk away I was able to do it and mean it with no intentions on turning back around.
Being alone was the best thing I did for myself. When he broke up with me initially I reclaimed some of myself, and I say some because it took me to truly be done with him to open my eyes to what I was accepting and allowing. It didn’t hit me until he inquired about us having sex after I decided to end things for good in August. He had been so used to me saying I was done and repeatedly going back on my word. Being alone taught me that my worth goes far beyond what a man can do for me but instead what I can do for myself. No one determines my worth but me and in allowing what I allowed I had set the bar really low unintentionally and that’s why he felt comfortable enough to say and do everything he did.
We get into relationships with the idea that we want to see the other person happy but what about you? Just because you enter a partnership doesn’t mean you lose sight of yourself and it happens so often. After a breakup it’s natural that the space we once held for that person becomes empty. Okay we used to watch this show together at this time, what do I do now? The nights of falling asleep on the phone, talking and laughing until the sun rises becomes nothing but silence. In those silent moments we have nothing but opportunity to open the doors to hope of reconciliation even when it shouldn’t be an option. Fear and pain creeps into those midnight hours. How will I start over? Where do I even start? I can’t trust. Who will even want me? And the list goes on. In these moments of vulnerability we either leap or be still and accept it. I leaped before and jumped into situation-ships and a relationship. This time around I embraced it, I found comfort in being alone and focusing on me. I was able to see myself for who I was and most importantly I had the chance to see what I needed to work on within myself.
Spending time alone made me stronger. I looked into the mirror of truth, faced things in myself that I wanted to avoid, and learned to stand on my own and on my word. Now I’m not afraid to speak my mind or be clear about what I want. Now I know that just because someone else wants to be in a relationship doesn’t mean that I have to go along with it. I learned to be an advocate for me. I allowed myself to feel and gave myself the proper space to heal and forgive. Forgive myself for allowing the treatment I received, and forgiving anyone who ever wronged me. I self reflected and reflected on how I compromised the love I had for myself all for the sake of being loved by someone else. A lot of us have done it, a lot of us do it, and a lot of people aren’t aware that they’re in a toxic relationship until it’s over. Making excuses for our partner when they do wrong, giving the benefit of the doubt when you know you shouldn’t, ignoring the red flags and signs, blaming ourselves, and compromising our value.
The most important take away I’ve engraved in my brain is that love isn’t a search for completion but compliment. I never want someone to complete me because that means I am incomplete on my own. You must go into a situation whole in order to have a healthy and long lasting relationship or else you’ll always be searching for something and looking for a void to be filled. Be aware that a strong emotional connection does not equate to a healthy relationship, you can love someone so much and feel like you’ll never find that kind of love again but that’s not true. I now have a better sense of what I want in a relationship, what I will and won’t tolerate, and when those signs appear that tells me to get the hell away, I listen and get the hell away. I can notate character more quickly and know when someone or something is for me before I even attempt to waste anymore time on them. I feel more comfortable with myself than I ever have before, all of my flaws, every part of me. I found my backbone. I learned to channel negative energy by journaling, spending time with my son, or doing anything I enjoy. Now I use my experiences and energy to give better advice when it comes to love and relationships.
In working to heal myself it only encourages me to help others become aware, heal, and place their love and energy into the right places. In emitting my positive and healing energy I invite new opportunities while releasing the things that no longer serve me. Now I use my free time to continue to build myself, my brand, while pouring tons of love into myself and those around me. That time alone and the time I continue to spend alone reassures me and rewards me with the confidence to stand on my own. I look to myself first before I look elsewhere and that’s growth. I’ve gained the strength, confidence, and self-discipline to walk away from people and things that don’t bring me happiness, wellness, or inspire me to be a better version of myself. It’s crazy to look back at the version of myself that I was last year around this time and it almost makes me want to cry because I’ve grown so much. Self love is truly the most important kind of love you can have, it will open your eyes to so many things and stop you from making choices that mean you no good. I hold no hate in my heart because regardless of what I endured I take responsibility for the role that I played in it. I still want everyone to win and be happy with the life that they live, we all deserve that. Even if life never brings you happiness, I hope peace and content finds a place in your heart.
For those who can relate or ever find themselves in a similar predicament after a breakup, take that time to stand alone, be alone, embrace yourself, and rediscover your worth and value. Know and learn what you bring to the table, and as I like to say I bring my own table to the table to stand aside yours. I am the catch, and I deserve to feel like the shit or feel myself because I can. I know who I am and who I have the power to be.
Love doesn’t depend on others, it depends on you, just like you shouldn’t go searching for happiness in someone else. Learn to feel love and happiness from within rather than searching elsewhere. Nurture the relationship you have with yourself before anything else. Be patient with love, be patient with yourself. Everything is a work in progress. The minute you stop searching for a partner, or a anything for that matter, and being impatient, is the moment many doors of opportunity will open up for you. Those questions of “how will I know when it’s really love?” will go out the window because you’ll already know based on the love you give yourself. Stand your ground, stop accepting less, and stop investing in situations and relationships that give you no return.
Know that people will wake up everyday and choose themselves, it’s time to choose you too. Learn to be okay with people wanting to go their way, hold the door for them on the way out and get your blessings okay. Because they’re coming and the person who left just made more room.
- Falling in Love With Potential
- What Self-Love Means: 15 Questions to Ask Yourself.
- I Thought I Could Change Them.
Aside from the latest blog post that are waiting to be read, I have published my third book! If you’ve kept up with the blog then you’ve probably read the snippets. The Key To My Brother’s Heart – Kennedy’s Reign is now available in electronic and paperback editions. It’s available electronically on Barnes & Noble and Amazon Kindle as well as paperback on Amazon. All 3 of my books and $elf products and apparel are available on my website. For easier access, simply click “Shop” on the blog’s homepage.
Be on the look out for The Key To My Brother’s Heart 2 and my newest book The Girl Next Door – the stories that bind us.
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Thanks for reading, Be Blessed & Stay Humble. As always Choose You Always!